You Don't Know Jack: A Fairy Tail
by Sir Mocha
Summary: A minificlet about a savage war between five brothers all named Jack, and how it almost destroyed the Fairy Tail World. PG for violence.


A.N: This was inspired by the mere presence of school… it can really warp the minds of innocents. But this is one of the better Fairy Tails (spelling intended) that I have written. So enjoy!

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You Don't Know Jack

Once upon a time there was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do. That was because she had named all of her children Jack, being the senile old woman that she was. There was Jack Sprat (he was the oldest; very skinny, too), and Jack (with his famous beanstalk), and Jack (yeah, he jumped over a candlestick), and Jack (he had a sister, Jill, but she died in a tragic hill-falling accident), and Little Jack (he was a the youngest, always sitting in the corner and eating pie). 

So with five sons named Jack, this old woman was at her wits' end. It wasn't as if these Jacks were quiet, calm boys either; with the exception of Little Jack, all the boys loved to loudly run around outside, because the house smelled like the inside of an old shoe. And so the old woman had to constantly run around in order to round up all the sons. And such strenuous activity is not suited to the elderly.

One day, while chasing after Candlestick Jack (logically, the quickest and sprightliest of all the sons), her poor old heart just couldn't take it anymore. Her clogged arteries agreed (thank you very much, fast food corporations!), and she keeled over on the spot. The coroner verified that her heart was just too big, and her blood vessels just too small. And thus was the passing of the old woman.

And of course the sons now faced the difficult problem of divvying up the old woman's property (including that marvelous shoe house). For who was most deserving? There was Jack Sprat, the oldest and the most obvious choice. And what about Beanstalk Jack? He was by far the bravest (he killed a giant, for crying out loud). And Candlestick Jack, the most aerobic and physically fit, with a reckless disregard for fire regulations. And the poor Jack who climbed that damn hill; he was so sad, shouldn't he get the property? For consolation? And then Little Jack; well, because he was the youngest _he_ should get the property, as he would be the one who lived the longest and had the most time to enjoy it.

So the Jacks fell to fighting, and each assembled an army of ultimate power and destruction. And as they warred, they destroyed all that was beautiful and good around them (including, ironically, the very house they were fighting over). Their war was of so great a magnitude, the other Fairy Tail Characters who inhabited the world could feel the very earth shaking. 

And the other Characters were not pleased. Because they were sweet, happy, peaceful Characters they gathered a huge angry mob-horde in hopes of retaliation. There was Little Miss Muffet, with her arachnoid army, and Puff the Now-War-Crazed Dragon, who didn't look quite so frolicsome anymore, and there was Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, with her arsenal of silver bells and cockle shells loaded in catapults, ready to be deployed by her pretty maids all in a row. Indeed, it was the most fearsome army ever this side of Candy Land. When the Jacks got word of the force gathering against them, they called a temporary truce and allied themselves against the common enemy. 

And so the war began. A bystander witnessing the spectacle would have been witness to the clash between the spider horde of Muffet and the blood-hungry horde of Bo-Peep (as to how she made her sheep carnivorous, we'll never know). The Big Bad Wolf was making quick work of the Three Little Pigs, which was especially terrible seeing as how they were all supposedly on the same side. (Afterwards, the Wolf was found to be working for the Jacks. The Wolf was deemed traitor, and the remaining Pig was deemed coward for hiding in his house made of stones.) Bill Nye was pelting the Crocodile Hunter with broken glassware, and in turn the Crocodile Hunter was biting the Science Guy with the utmost ferocity, assisted by his super-human crocodile-like powers.

And thus did the battle rage on. Longer it would have raged, had it not caught the attention of the Gods. The Gods, disgusted at the gross mutilation of their little story Characters (brought to you by yours truly!), sought to end the madness and restore order to the Fairy Tale Kindgom. And so they sent the most powerful of their kind to deal with the war. The two Brothers Grimm were sent to the Jack side to "resolve" the conflict there (and to this day, many innocent characters can still remember terrified screams coming from the Jacks' direction as they met a very gruesome and "grimm" end). Hans Christen Andersen teamed up with Walt Disney, and peacefully stopped the Character mob-horde, having to resort to violence only minimally. (Several of the Seven Dwarfs were found with their own pickaxes embedded in their skulls.) 

And with the painful deaths of the Jack brothers, and with the calming of the mob-horde, peace was once again restored in Fairy Tail Kingdom.

But for how long? For far far away, in a pretty pink castle in the clouds, there could be heard shouting as Cinderella accused Snow White of "borrowing" her glass slippers…

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The End


End file.
